From being “too sensitive” to “using my sensitivity as a gift” - A glimpse into my journey of healing
There used to be a time when I could not bear to be social because it was draining and exhausting. I would feel lonely and alone in my struggles.
I would struggle with feelings and pain that were not even mine to begin with. It was more painful because no one understood me or what I was going through.
I would feel so much that most of the time it was painful like physical pain searing through my body. I was called “too sensitive” or “ajeeb (weird)” because I would talk about feelings and intuition and dreams like they were real because they were real to me. I could feel emotions so strongly like you would feel a person or an object.
I gradually learnt that it was unacceptable to most people, that its not okay to talk about your feelings. So I shut down and with time it created a huge split within me. I would be a completely different person socially but I knew deep down that wasn’t me.
With time, I began to lose touch with the real me. The emotions kept affecting me, I kept ignoring them and they kept growing like poison in my body which led to physical pain and illness later.
On the surface, I started to feel like an “imposter” and I could no longer fathom why.
I couldn’t make genuine connections with people because I no longer had any connection with myself. I didn’t know what being connected felt like because you need emotions to feel connected and I had shut that box down.
My connections were superficial, that came out of not wanting to be alone.
Consequently they ended up using me just as I was using them to not be alone. And I had no idea why this was happening. I began to believe that genuine people don’t exist and that one needs to be very lucky to have genuine connections in their life.
The people around me did not even know me and my sensitivities because I did not reveal it anymore. I felt even more lonely now with people around.
The split within me kept widening. My choices of relationships kept being driven by loneliness.
My inner compass of emotions was discarded by me. I was full of doubt, low self-esteem and felt disconnected from everyone and everything.
It was painful, disorienting and confusing. I was full of sadness under the mask of happiness and smiles. I would see glimpses of my sadness in my dreams and my eyes. It made me even more sad and I would just ignore it because “it was just an emotion”, “I feel too much unnecessarily” and that “there is something wrong with me.”
Things people said to me had become my internal dialogues.
Life was still going on but nothing gave me joy. Celebrations and achievements - everything feels hollow. I was supposed to be happy but I was not happy. I had shut down emotions to not feel “too much” and with it shut down my ability to feel “happy”.
It was pure torture from within. I could no longer feel anything - joy, happiness, connection and passion, not even pain. I felt numb and dead inside. Nothing touched my heart anymore.
Without feeling anything, I knew nothing else mattered in my life. No matter how much I achieved or had reasons to celebrate, if I can’t feel happy, its worthless. Life felt worthless.
That’s when I came across the term “Empaths” and “sensitive people.” It attracted me like a magnet and finally something made sense.
I instantly knew I was an empath. I had the ability to feel emotions of others, feel their pain and feelings of my own.
Thus began my journey of self discovery, self acceptance and healing.
As I began to discover my abilities with emotions, of feeling them, I wanted to know how to get rid of them or heal them, how not to feel other’s emotions and pain.
Energy healing was my first step into learning to heal myself and shield from picking up other’s emotions and pain.
Emotional healing taught me that emotions are acceptable and that it's okay to feel. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my chest. I instantly felt lighter because now I knew there was nothing wrong with me, that emotions are a part of being human and that I can feel them safely. I was able to smile from my heart for the first time.
As I began to heal my emotions and allow them to flow instead of struggling with them, I understood that they were my internal compass. My emotions could guide me without me feeling overwhelmed.
I understood that its okay to FEEL and I learnt how to let them go when their work is done.
I gradually began to trust myself. I stopped feeling like an imposter or a fraud. My connections with people improved because I was finally accepting and being myself.