All About Boundaries – The Upside, Downside and How to Create them

One of the components of healing is creating healthy boundaries for yourself. If you have never heard of this idea or think that boundaries are not needed in close relationships, you are not alone. Many people have no idea about boundaries, how to create them or assert them. For them boundaries mean huge walls of alienation, aloneness and telling people to *%&# off.
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Boundaries are you defining your space, asserting yourself and your existence. Boundary is about what you accept and what you won’t accept and tolerate. People who have often found themselves as being treated like doormats don’t have any boundaries in place. They are in dysfunctional relationships where the balance of giving and taking is highly skewed. They don’t have any idea of what they like, dislike, how they want to be treated or how to express their desires, they may not even have the idea that they are allowed to express their desires and have them fulfilled.

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If you come from a family where you have been abused as a child (I am not talking of just physical and/or sexual abuse that is visible, but also of verbal and emotional abuse which by its very nature is covert and hidden and leave deep emotional scars,) you will have impaired boundaries or no boundaries at all. Your desires, feelings and thoughts did not matter, were often put down or mocked.

​This could have been explicit by making fun of you or shouting and yelling at you, it could have been implicit or hidden by making fun of you and calling you too sensitive, criticizing you, shaming you for having such thoughts in the name of “improving you” or “for your own good”.
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If you were engulfed and not allowed to make decisions, think for yourself, not allowed any privacy, you were not simply allowed to have any boundaries where you could exert your individuality or even understand your preferences.

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Downsides of not having healthy boundaries:

1. You don’t know when and how to say NO. You either end up doing, listening or taking on stuff you don’t want/need or you start escaping the situation or become passive-aggressive.
2. You can never make decisions for yourself and even if you do, it is easy for you to sway under pressure. Hence people begin to see you as someone who can easily be manipulated. Its one thing to be flexible (you are open to change because you want to) but being manipulated or spineless means (you have to change even if you don’t want to because of peer pressure, fear of being left out, fear of being alone etc. you get the drift)
3. You are salesman’s dream customer. They can push and sell you anything. You wont know how to tell them off.
4. If you don’t know your boundaries, people wont know what your boundaries are either. They can step all over you, use your stuff and treat you like a doormat. You wont know when someone’s behaviour is inappropriate and when and how you should draw a line.
5. You don’t have any preferences – in food, places to visit, or people. Family has always made decisions for you and you just tag along. Friends will be no different.
6. It corrodes your self-esteem. You compromise in your decisions about relationships and friendships. Anyone that’s nice to you basically makes the list. Until they discover that you can’t take stand and that’s when things begin to go downwards.
7. Your relationships are not equal. Most likely you are always the one giving in the relationship. You end up feeling exhausted, misunderstood, alone and used.
8. Your self-worth depends on your use. If you are useful and needed, you are worthy, else you don’t deserve to exist.

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Upsides of having Boundaries:

1. You get to choose people in your life. If they are not healthy for you, you don’t have to get into a relationship with them.
2. You value your time, space and energy more than anything else.
3. Boundaries are like BS detectors. (BS = Bull*&%#)
4. You don’t need other’s permission or approval to be you.
5. You begin to have fun.
6. Life becomes more spontaneous. You are not constantly thinking about hurting or offending someone. You can enjoy and respond to life.
7. Relationships become more meaningful and nurturing.
8. You learn to say “no” and stand by your choices and opinions. You learn to be yourself but not compromise.

How to create boundaries

1. Stop justifying yourself and your actions – you don’t need to explain why you did what you did. It is your life and you are entitled to make the best decisions for yourself. If someone pesters you into explaining yourself, know that you are not obliged to.
2. Stop asking for advice from every tom, dick and harry – You know your life better. Start taking risks, experimenting and learning. Give yourself the permission to make mistakes. Its ok.
3. You don’t have to give all the information – you can have your privacy and choose to share or not. It is your choice. If you have come or are still living in abusive and controlling families, you know your words can be twisted and used against you for their selfish motives.
4. Don’t fall for emotional blackmail or guilt trip or change story. Abusers don’t change – they just change their tactics. Any kind of abuser – physical, verbal, sexual or emotional – they never really change. They have too much vested interest. When they notice you are drifting away from their control, they change their tactics to bring you to a position where they can begin the abuse again. Don’t fall for the guilt, pity sobs or any dramas. Stick to your decision of creating your boundary. It may be painful initially for you, as you are not used to doing this. But it will be worth it.
5. Repetition of asserting your boundaries – You will need to keep asserting your boundaries again and again until those around you start taking it seriously. Till now it had been easy to manipulate you or talk you out of your decisions, so it will take some time for people to know that you are serious about your boundaries and mean it.
6. One step at a time – do one thing everyday, no matter how small, that asserts your boundaries and takes you out of your comfort zone. For example, choosing to buy a meal of your choice, staying out an hour longer (or perhaps 15 mins longer), inviting a friend over, choosing to walk out of an argument, taking a bath in the afternoon, choosing to wear your choice of clothing etc.
7. Choose your battles – you don’t have to respond to every comment, remark or participate in every conflict. Argument is the fodder for controllers and abusers. Choose to walk away from unnecessary drama.
8. Its not your fault – anything that happens around you does not necessarily mean it is your fault. If someone is sad or angry, it is not your fault. Know this. Abusers and controllers are adept at playing the blame game. They will blame you for everything bad that happens to them. Recognize it’s not your fault, its them.
9. Take time out for yourself – do something that you really like and love. It could be staying in bed late, reading a book, getting a nail art, having a massage, nature walk, getting a pet, spending an extra hour in your workout or bubble bath etc. This is about telling yourself that you matter. The fact that you exist is enough. You don’t have to be useful or productive. You being on this planet is enough for you to deserve a life.

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