There used to be a time when I could not bear to be social because it was draining and exhausting. I would feel lonely and alone in my struggles.

I would struggle with feelings and pain that were not even mine to begin with. It was more painful because no one understood me or what I was going through. 

I would feel so much that most of the time it was painful like physical pain searing through my body. I was called “too sensitive” or “ajeeb (weird)” because I would talk about feelings and intuition and dreams like they were real because they were real to me. I could feel emotions so strongly like you would feel a person or an object.

I gradually learnt that it was unacceptable to most people, that its not okay to talk about your feelings. So I shut down and with time it created a huge split within me. I would be a completely different person socially but I knew deep down that wasn’t me.

With time, I began to lose touch with the real me. The emotions kept affecting me, I kept ignoring them and they kept growing like poison in my body which led to physical pain and illness later.

On the surface, I started to feel like an “imposter” and I could no longer fathom why.
​I couldn’t make genuine connections with people because I no longer had any connection with myself. I didn’t know what being connected felt like because you need emotions to feel connected and I had shut that box down. 

The year 2020 will start with a bang brining you opportunities for success and fame. The trend is likely to continue through the year. But the year also will bring situations that will force you to move out of your comfort zone to grow and evolve. Find your uniqueness and strengths rather than comparing with others. Don’t let that comparison dull your shine. First half of the year will be focussed on career and growth. The second half will bring your focus to your relationships. This is an area that you need to pay attention this year. If there have been relationships that have been exhausting and draining you, it is time to create some distance from them so that you can breathe and relax. There is no need to take any decisions, just a need to have some space. Good time will be spent with friends. Avoid overindulgence in food and lifestyle. ​

One of the components of healing is creating healthy boundaries for yourself. If you have never heard of this idea or think that boundaries are not needed in close relationships, you are not alone. Many people have no idea about boundaries, how to create them or assert them. For them boundaries mean huge walls of alienation, aloneness and telling people to *%&# off.
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Boundaries are you defining your space, asserting yourself and your existence. Boundary is about what you accept and what you won’t accept and tolerate. People who have often found themselves as being treated like doormats don’t have any boundaries in place. They are in dysfunctional relationships where the balance of giving and taking is highly skewed. They don’t have any idea of what they like, dislike, how they want to be treated or how to express their desires, they may not even have the idea that they are allowed to express their desires and have them fulfilled.

If you come from a family where you have been abused as a child (I am not talking of just physical and/or sexual abuse that is visible, but also of verbal and emotional abuse which by its very nature is covert and hidden and leave deep emotional scars,) you will have impaired boundaries or no boundaries at all. Your desires, feelings and thoughts did not matter, were often put down or mocked.

​This could have been explicit by making fun of you or shouting and yelling at you, it could have been implicit or hidden by making fun of you and calling you too sensitive, criticizing you, shaming you for having such thoughts in the name of “improving you” or “for your own good”.
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If you were engulfed and not allowed to make decisions, think for yourself, not allowed any privacy, you were not simply allowed to have any boundaries where you could exert your individuality or even understand your preferences.